Damn you, Max Factor for not making crystal powder extra blinding

Posted on January 15, 2009
Filed Under Stupidity and randomness, Breaking news, Tools of the trade - Are you sure I'm qualified?, A "How-to" tutorial of insanity |

I’ll be starting with a bit of an explanation before diving into this post. This is called a preface.

 I am a bit of a obsessive collector connoisseur when it comes to makeup. I love all different kinds of eyeliner, mascara, eyeshadow, foundations, concealers, highlighters, blushers, bronzers, lip glosses, lipsticks, lip stains and I will try everything once. I also read a lot of beauty websites with tips and tricks to help you apply better, hide imperfections, clear skin etc…etc..

This morning, as I was washing my hands in the office bathroom, I noticed that I had some crows feet soft little lines around my eyes, (smile lines I guess, cause you only see them when I smile.) and my first thought was “I need to put a little reflective powder on to hide those.” The alternative is to keep my face perfectly still in the blandest expression of bordom which, if you know me, would be beyond impossible aside from death. Even then, I bet the undertaker would put some dumb-ass smile on my face, crinkling up those little lines and making me look ancient even in final repose. I wonder if you can request botox as part of your embalming process?? Just a touch around the eyes, Doc. Much appreciated.

So I started wondering where I had heard that whole “reflective powder” crap and why this so-called-expert thought it would work to hide fine lines?  The only thing I could think of is, you apply the reflective powder which hides inside those little lines until you smile and them BLAM! a cold ray of piercing light is directed into the eye of the beholder blinding them and forcing them to shield thier eyes with thier hands while they comment “Damn, you’re looking younger everyday, Chris! If I could look directly at you, you’d see how sincere I am, but it’s like looking into the sun. Oww, owww my eyeeeeeeeeeees!”And I would smile at such a lovely compliment sending shards of refracted light across the whole office causing mass chaos as my coworkers all fall of thier chairs and roll on the floor covering thier eyes from my blinding beauty.

“You look great today, Christina!”

“Wow, is that a new outfit?”

“Your skin just glows, Doll!”

“Somebody tell her about that dog that got it’s paw caught in a woodchipper, will ya?” Make her frown FFS!!!

So I went back to my desk and got some of my super-duper Japanese Max Factor Crystal face stuff that I can’t find anywhere else in the world, (not even on eBay) and dabbed a little on and waited to experience the full impact of my brilliance….

Damn. I gotta go buy a better reflective powder cause this one ain’t working.

 

P.S. No dog was harmed during the writing of this post and I’m pretty sure no dog has ever gotten a paw stuck in a woodchipper.

P.P.S. I can’t be sure of that, of course but I assume if would make big news cause WOW…sad.

P.P.P.S. Max Factor, please start making Crystal powder again.

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