It only takes 8 clicks…

Posted on April 12, 2009
Filed Under Australia - The land down under, Stupidity and randomness, Breaking news, A "How-to" tutorial of insanity | Leave a Comment

Apparently, it only takes 8 clicks on a stun gun to knock you out cold.

The other day I had a conversation at work with my boss and a consultant we work with about childhood adventurousness. (Spell check tells me that adventurousness IS a word) Bear in mind, they are both men. They began with typical childhood games increasing in dangerousness incrementally and had settled on inhaling helium from a tank because it’s better, (Why better? You ask. Because there’s MORE.) when all of a sudden…

Consultant: Did you know it takes 8 clicks on a stun gun to knock you unconcious?

Me & Boss: …?

Consultant: No really, we used to play with it. You get quite a buzz! (A-hyuk)

Boss: Are you SERIOUS?

Me: Wait! Wait! How did you determine that?

Consultant: Uhh….

Me: Is there like a warning on the label? In the event of self-use, 8 clicks and you WILL lose consciousness. Do not use in shower.

Consultant: Uhh….

Boss: *Choking on laughter*

Me: *Cracking up so hard I can barely talk* Can you imagine? I can see it now! Click. Nope. Click. Nope. Click. Nope. Click… yep, that did it.

Boss to me: THIS is the guy were counting on for the project.

I realize that boys are stupid in general and dangerous in little bursts but this was a bit excessive. The thing is… I want to test the theory… Any volunteers?

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Trust me… I am a licenced professional. But not really. I just like to think I am.

Posted on April 5, 2009
Filed Under Australia - The land down under, Irony Anyone?, Stupidity and randomness, Breaking news, A "How-to" tutorial of insanity | Leave a Comment

What is it about women that we believe we are all innately hairdressers disguised as lawyers, office workers, waitresses, and police women?

Standing in front of the home hair dye aisle at the store this weekend, I did the flip back and forth over blond or red, blond or red?

Blond. I decided because I am a hairdresser, rather adept at home dying, just that stupid.

So, home I go with a home bleaching kit, dye and toner.

4 hours later, my hair is an intriguing shade of banana yellow and tangerine orange. No amount of bleach or toner is ridding me of the reddish tones not to mention that the light colour washes me out completely anyway. So I do the walk of shame.

You know it, the mad dash from the car to the all night pharmacy with Coco the Clown hair tucked under a baseball cap because it is simply TOO embarrassing to be seen with banana hair and orange highlights (lowlights?)

I debate endlessly whether or not I want to bring the pharmacist in on my humiliation while I stand perusing the aisle once again. Now I don’t know if I choose the red colour I had originally contemplated, it will turn my hair red or pink, so I cave and ask the pharmacist. Who doesn’t know!

It’s not enough that I have to come clean to her; she goes and asks EVERYBODY ELSE in the store if they know what to do. Nobody does. So she looks it up online and comes back assuring me that as long as I go darker, it should be fine.

So I wind up buying the exact shade that I was looking at in the first place when I debated the red-blond issue.

I’m a red head. It looks OK but my hair feels like a horse’s mane for all the shit I put in it this weekend. Now I need a haircut really badly.

I wonder if I should go shoulder length or really short? Bet I could cut it myself….

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Damn you, Max Factor for not making crystal powder extra blinding

Posted on January 15, 2009
Filed Under Stupidity and randomness, Breaking news, Tools of the trade - Are you sure I'm qualified?, A "How-to" tutorial of insanity | Leave a Comment

I’ll be starting with a bit of an explanation before diving into this post. This is called a preface.

 I am a bit of a obsessive collector connoisseur when it comes to makeup. I love all different kinds of eyeliner, mascara, eyeshadow, foundations, concealers, highlighters, blushers, bronzers, lip glosses, lipsticks, lip stains and I will try everything once. I also read a lot of beauty websites with tips and tricks to help you apply better, hide imperfections, clear skin etc…etc..

This morning, as I was washing my hands in the office bathroom, I noticed that I had some crows feet soft little lines around my eyes, (smile lines I guess, cause you only see them when I smile.) and my first thought was “I need to put a little reflective powder on to hide those.” The alternative is to keep my face perfectly still in the blandest expression of bordom which, if you know me, would be beyond impossible aside from death. Even then, I bet the undertaker would put some dumb-ass smile on my face, crinkling up those little lines and making me look ancient even in final repose. I wonder if you can request botox as part of your embalming process?? Just a touch around the eyes, Doc. Much appreciated.

So I started wondering where I had heard that whole “reflective powder” crap and why this so-called-expert thought it would work to hide fine lines?  The only thing I could think of is, you apply the reflective powder which hides inside those little lines until you smile and them BLAM! a cold ray of piercing light is directed into the eye of the beholder blinding them and forcing them to shield thier eyes with thier hands while they comment “Damn, you’re looking younger everyday, Chris! If I could look directly at you, you’d see how sincere I am, but it’s like looking into the sun. Oww, owww my eyeeeeeeeeeees!”And I would smile at such a lovely compliment sending shards of refracted light across the whole office causing mass chaos as my coworkers all fall of thier chairs and roll on the floor covering thier eyes from my blinding beauty.

“You look great today, Christina!”

“Wow, is that a new outfit?”

“Your skin just glows, Doll!”

“Somebody tell her about that dog that got it’s paw caught in a woodchipper, will ya?” Make her frown FFS!!!

So I went back to my desk and got some of my super-duper Japanese Max Factor Crystal face stuff that I can’t find anywhere else in the world, (not even on eBay) and dabbed a little on and waited to experience the full impact of my brilliance….

Damn. I gotta go buy a better reflective powder cause this one ain’t working.

 

P.S. No dog was harmed during the writing of this post and I’m pretty sure no dog has ever gotten a paw stuck in a woodchipper.

P.P.S. I can’t be sure of that, of course but I assume if would make big news cause WOW…sad.

P.P.P.S. Max Factor, please start making Crystal powder again.

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I’m really starting to hate my husbands other wife…

Posted on January 12, 2009
Filed Under Australia - The land down under, Stupidity and randomness, Breaking news, A "How-to" tutorial of insanity | Leave a Comment

Yesterday, I had a conversation with Brian that went as follows…

Me: When is Australia day?

Brian: *Gives me disappointed look for not knowing the date*

Me: *Exasperated that he thinks after 5 years I don’t know* Not the date! The day of the week!

Brian: Oh. Monday I think.

Me: That’s good! Maybe I’ll take off the Friday before and we can take the kids camping for the weekend!

Brian: *Sputtering* But… I have cricket that weekend.

Me: Oh.

Brian: It’s the Darlington social game too.

Me: Oh. That weekend, huh?

Brian: *Talking as if I should remember pertinent cricket dates like wedding anniversaries* Yes. It’s always that weekend.

Me: Oh.

So after stewing for a while on my expectedly BORING Australia day weekend as Hubby plays with his mates and socializes his butt off, which incedentally, resembles pretty much every weekend all summer long, I decided that I should make plans to take the kids somewhere that weekend… like Dunsborough or Rottnest. The only problems with that?

The kids.

The only thing worse that being bored, is being annoyed by a hubby who would rather be playing cricket anybody really kids who are bored.

So. Any suggestions for what to do on Australia Day weekend?

 

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Busy weekend….

Posted on December 15, 2008
Filed Under Australia - The land down under, Breaking news, A "How-to" tutorial of insanity, They never should have let me be a mother | 3 Comments

I’m exhausted.

On Monday.

How is this fair?

The run up to this week has been chock full of busy Mum goodness. It started Thursday with our departments Christmas party. We went on a river cruise for 4 hours and had lots of yummy food and copious amounts of champagne (well, at least I did. I wasn’t counting other peoples drinks…lol)

Getting home that night was somewhat difficult as I was legless. Thank goodness Brian came to get me! I would have wound up in Mandurah had I taken the train home!

Friday, Connor was sick, sick, sick. He’s still recovering from this nasty bug that has had almost all of us in it’s grip. I stayed home and nursed my boy (and my head…lol)

Friday night, Chelsea had her work party AND a sleepover party in Two Rocks.. with boys..Eeek! I drove her up there after her work party (40 mins) then back to Maggy’s for a cuppa (45 mins) before going home to bed.

Saturday was just as busy. I drove BACK up to Two Rocks to get the girls (I was Mum taxi for 3 of them) and spent a little time up there wandering around the beach and taking photos before heading back to drop all the kids off. (3 hour round trip) Just in time to go shopping for supplies to make afternoon tea for Brian’s cricket team and opponents. Then of course, I had to get them to the club. Off again, more pictures and happy, sated, well-fed, men.

By that time I was pooped. Connor and I watched Resident Evil: Extinction before I headed out yet again to Mum taxi the girls home from the movies. They saw Twilight and I plugged my ears an hummed as they discussed the film (I’m not finished the book yet.)

Sunday I cleaned, and did laundry and generally tidied in the morning, then headed to the beach with Maggy for some well deserved relaxation. The water was gorgeous and in 38 degree heat, well needed! We baked a tiny bit under our million layers of sunscreen and called it a day to head back to hers for a drink in the shade

I met Brian back at home and we headed back to the beach with the kids and the dog (I felt guilty for going without the puppy in the afternoon) armed with an esky and fish and chips for dinner. We sat and enjoyed the sun until it dipped below the horizon and then we went home for some desperately needed sleep. Somehow, I got absorbed in Twilight (again) and wound up reading til well past midnight.

No wonder I’m still tired!

Pictures can be found in 365

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